The Hospitality of Tacoma

Just came off a great weekend in Tacoma! I was honored by a gathering of friends and new friends on Friday, Feb. 3, 2012 at Immanuel Presbyterian Church in Tacoma, WA, where I read parts of ON BEING A GAY PARENT, and facilitated a discussion.

What made this a special visit was the eventful passing of marriage equality by the WA State Senate, and now the House this week, and soon the signing of the bill into law by the Governor. There is an expected drive to put it on the ballot next Nov., 2012 (a pastor is against marriage equality). Here I was from NC, in which the General Assembly voted to put forth an amendment against marriage equality.

Love will win out.

B

Huffingtonpost: Gay Parents Know How to Parent! They Really Do!

This interesting article from Huffingtonpost.com:

Gay parents "tend to be more motivated, more committed than heterosexual parents on average, because they chose to be parents," said Abbie Goldberg, a psychologist at Clark University in Massachusetts who researches gay and lesbian parenting. Gays and lesbians rarely become parents by accident, compared with an almost 50 percent accidental pregnancy rate among heterosexuals, Goldberg said. "That translates to greater commitment on average and more involvement."

And while research indicates that kids of gay parents show few differences in achievement, mental health, social functioning and other measures, these kids may have the advantage of open-mindedness, tolerance and role models for equitable relationships, according to some research. Not only that, but gays and lesbians are likely to provide homes for difficult-to-place children in the foster system, studies show. (Of course, this isn't to say that heterosexual parents can't bring these same qualities to the parenting table.)

Click here for more: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/16/gay-parents-better-than-straights_n_1208659.html

I think this is an important research stating the obvious.

Pace!

B

Latest Article in Chapel Hill News! Love Makes a Family

Like many families and friends around the world, my family gathers during religious holidays.

Our family gathered together for a banquet feast Christmas day. Other families came together during the days of Hanukkah, the Festival of Lights. During November, Muslim families celebrated Eid al-Adha (The Feast of the Sacrifice of Ishmael).

With special rituals, gestures, prayers and food (always food), we re-connect who we are as individuals and families, with whose we are in terms of our faith community's central tenets and the people who share similar beliefs.

When my family gathered together on Christmas day, there were my children, their mom, my partner, and I seated at the table, thankful for the time to enjoy the food and the good company of each other. In the other room, the Christmas tree was lit beautifully, with gifts underneath waiting to be unwrapped. The only ones missing were our rambunctious dogs.

It took us a few years to establish this new tradition of gathering in this re-configured arrangement of being family, but we got there, and have been celebrating the holidays ever since in Carrboro.

Granted, it is not the "typical" American-style of being the nuclear family, but the "American style" family is a rather contemporary human construction that has only existed for the last few decades.

I am reminded of the newness of the American nuclear family every time I peer at one of the many Christmas cards I receive in this season with a pictorial representation of the Holy Family: Mary and Joseph peering down lovingly at the baby Jesus lying in the manger.

But the longer I look deeply at this ubiquitous image, the more I start to smile as I remember how unbiblical this biblical Holy Family is in modern American mythological context.

After all, you have Jesus being born to an unwed, single mother from a different area of Israel (a Nazarean not from Bethlehem) giving birth in a place she knew little about.

To make matters even more surreal, Joseph isn't even the biological father of this baby.

There is no genetic DNA that connects this baby with Joseph's bloodline, since Christian Scriptures pin God as the father of this miracle child. In modern parlance, we could call Joseph Jesus' "step-father."

But remember, Joseph and Mary weren't married before or after the birth. What holds Jesus' family and my family together is one and the same thing: love, expressed in the practice of supporting and caring for one another, against the cultural norms of the day.

Heck, in that regard the Holy Family was not unlike my family, and therefore would likely find no comfort in the upcoming North Carolina vote on amending North Carolina's constitution outlawing their union. Like us, they couldn't join the YMCA of the Triangle under the "family membership plan" because they are not wed, and thus are not a family. As for state and federal taxes, that's a whole other matter. Apparently, God likes to play outside of America's rituals, rules, and laws.

As a Presbyterian pastor, in this Yuletide season I get a chuckle out of people pointing to the "traditional family that has been around since the beginning of time, especially in the Bible," or so say many politicians.

Have they not read Hebrew Scriptures and the story of Abraham, Sarah, and Isaac, or Abraham, Hagar, and Ishmael (Gen. 16:1-4)? Have they forgotten the story of King David with 11 children by seven wives (1 Chronicles 3)?

Then there are the 700 wives of the legendary King Solomon and three hundred concubines (1 Kings). According to the New Testament, Jesus himself failed to follow through and follow traditional Jewish practices of the day by opting out of wedlock and fatherhood. Instead, he invites others to leave spouses, homes, and careers to follow him for a three-year sojourn.

Come the holiday of Easter, our family will gather again as our place on earth warms up and welcomes the coming of spring. We will gather around another feast, this time with lilies decorating the house. And we will be joined by many other families, of all shapes, sizes, and configurations who dare to live unbiblical biblical lives, reminding us of the fluidity and human inventiveness of what it means to be a "family," woven together by the mystical, wondrous thread of love.

Click here for the article: http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=5&ved=0CDoQFjAE&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chapelhillnews.com%2F2012%2F01%2F08%2F69212%2Flove-makes-a-family.html&ei=zPMMT_3SH4b30gG9x6mEBg&usg=AFQjCNGu8_xRkrjWam9nDBG1k-5v7bocyw

Latest in Q Notes: An Unexpected Homecoming

College changes a person. I was an undergraduate and graduate student for 13 years and I’ve been a faculty member in colleges, universities and seminaries for over 17 years and I’m not sure what it is that brings about the change. I’d like to say the change occurs is the mysterious alchemy that takes place between teacher and student in the classroom over a semester. But, perhaps, transformations happen in the dorm room, fraternity or sorority, in the middle of the hallways and kitchens where people gather informally to discuss the “buzz” about a class or issue on campus. Then again, it could be at a big sports event, musical performance or off-campus party that the real magic takes place and lives are forever changed. Somewhere, somehow, with someone, the change occurs, in which a new perception of life appears over the horizon and the person is never the same.

This is what happened to my son after his first semester in college. He is a changed person. And, I’m not the only one who observed it. So did his girlfriend, his mom, my partner and his sister. The community of love noticed it. Note of the change came when my partner and I picked my son up from college. We drove all the way to Miami, Fla., on a Saturday in mid-December to gather my son and his belongings as he makes a move to a new school in the spring. On the way back home on Sunday, with a 12-hour ride before us, there was time for us to talk about his first semester experience, otherwise known as “the good, the bad, and the ugly” (with apologies to Clint Eastwood). It was during one of the lulls of traveling that we talked about the changes in his life, from his perspective. He said that having a gay dad wasn’t that big a deal anymore. I was driving at the time and about slammed on the brakes or drove off the road in amazement. This from the young man who, during high school, made it very clear that he didn’t want anyone knowing that he had a gay dad with a partner. It was because of Parker’s vote of “no” that I did not run for a place on the Chapel Hill-Carrboro Community School board. It was because of his desire to keep knowledge of my being gay hidden that I tried to keep a low profile when it came to his school events, usually sitting in the back row of sporting events or other ceremonies.

In hindsight, the change was evident when he introduced us to his college friends around the dorm when he was moving out. He hugged me openly, in public, when he came out of the dorm. We met his roommate, his friends across the hall, and the Resident Assistant, without him blinking an eye. “This is my dad, Brett. This is his partner, Dean.” He said it just that easily and naturally. We piled his stuff into the rented SUV for our long excursion back and waved goodbye to his friends. And, off we went, homeward bound to North Carolina. But, the young man who left us four months earlier was not the same. Something happened. Someone changed.

In the Christian scriptures, there is the story of the Prodigal or Lost Son. It is a family system story of reconciliation among many conflicting parties. In a nut shell, a parent celebrates the return of the young child who went his own way, sowing his “wild oats,” coming home finally, seeking reconciliation with those who stayed home, namely the other child and parent (Luke 15:11-32). While my daughter found it easier to acknowledge that she had a gay dad, my son’s journey in conceding that his dad is gay has been longer and far more, well, interesting. I can empathize with my biblical forbear, who rejoiced at this unexpected homecoming. I shall savor the day I could hear and see the simple, public recognition of father and son, parent and child, with “Yeah, that’s my dad and his partner, Brett and Dean.” Such sweet words are truly a gift in this holiday season. : :

Click here for the inside edition: http://goqnotes.com/14006/an-unexpected-homecoming/

Pace!

Brett

Madonna, Lover, and Son

Finding alternative views of the Holy Family that include other families usually excluded from this season of Christmastide.

The above image is the first: Madonna, Lover, and Son by Beckye Harrelson. She is reaching back to the closeness of Ruth and Naomi in this depiction.

Evocative!

Yes?

B

Y of the Triangle Discriminates Against LGBTQ People

For my Chapel Hill-Carrboro-Durham-Raleigh friends: please help publicize the discrimination practiced by Y of the Triangle against LGBTQ people. They discriminated us, a) in terms of membership: they fail to include our families, describing family ONLY in heterosexual terms, "husband/wife," making a LGBTQ couple sign up under the more expensive "two adults"; b) they don't offer their full-time LGBTQ employees the same benefit plan they offer straight employees. Read the letters in today's Chapel Hill News against Y of the Triangles attempt to merge with Chapel Hill/Carrboro's YMCA: http://www.chapelhillnews.com/2011/12/21/68869/dont-merge-ymcas.html

Pace!

B

Y of the Triangle Discriminates Against LGBTQ People

For my Chapel Hill-Carrboro-Durham-Raleigh friends: please help publicize the discrimination practiced by Y of the Triangle against LGBTQ people. They discriminated us, a) in terms of membership: they fail to include our families, describing family ONLY in heterosexual terms, "husband/wife," making a LGBTQ couple sign up under the more expensive "two adults"; b) they don't offer their full-time LGBTQ employees the same benefit plan they offer straight employees. Read the letters in today's Chapel Hill News against Y of the Triangles attempt to merge with Chapel Hill/Carrboro's YMCA: http://www.chapelhillnews.com/2011/12/21/68869/dont-merge-ymcas.html

Pace!

B