The Same Sex Parent Struggles with Anger and Hate

From my post on www.parentsociety.com:

Unlike many families with straight parents, same-sex parents live in a culture that exposes them to hate. While we who are same-sex parents are loved by our children — and grandchildren, if we are so fortunate — cherished by our parents, adored, perhaps, by extended families, and surrounded by a beloved community of friends and associates, nonetheless, we live in a society in which some people spout nothing but vitriol and hate. Not only do we, as same-sex parents, hear the words of hate and loathing, but so do our children, our grandchildren, and the children of our friends and associates. While I think my skin is tough enough to take the stones of hate thrown by slingshots of those who are scared of my family, there are days that I simply want to ask those who are constant in their words of hate to shut up.
This is nothing new, but there seems to be a rising volume of hate speech directed toward lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning (LGBTQ) people of late. I cannot imagine what it would be like to hear such hateful rhetoric if I were a young child whose parents were lesbian or gay.
GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation), reports on statements made by such groups as the national Family Research Council (FRC) and their spokesperson Tony Perkins, along with Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association. For example, at the Oak Initiative Summit on the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t’ Tell (DADT), Tony Perkins said that gay activists are “intolerant, hateful, vile, spiteful and pawns being used by the Devil” (May 3, 2011). According to GLAAD, Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association claimed that homosexuality is a form of “domestic terrorism” (June 10, 2010). And Brian Brown of the National Organization for Marriage encourages parents to attend one of his “ex-gay” conferences as a way to “prevent your child from embracing this destructive way of life” (Feb. 6, 2012).
Read on: http://www.parentsociety.com/todays-family/same-sex-parents/the-same-sex-parent-struggle-to-overcome-anger-and-hate/

Bullies Are Back

 From my blog on www.parentsociety.com:

"How faggy!”
“You retard!”
“What a spaz!”
While I would have loved to have been shielded from bullying while I was in school — and wish I could have protected my friends and children from the same — it is probably better that we all faced it head on. After all, as the saying goes, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” Or that other old adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never harm me.”
As the school year begins again for kids across the country, children are going back to a controlled view of life — at least, in the classroom. Outside of class, on the playground and after school, is a different story. Summer’s reprieve from bullying is over.
In hindsight, I realize that I was bullied throughout my years in public school, though I didn’t have a name to call it. It was something we kids did when I was young, in public playgrounds and during recess. I probably dished it out as much as I received it. I still don’t know when I first experienced being bullied, or how I first learned about it, or why the practice is perpetuated to this day, even given more classes on multiculturalism, diversity, and anti-bullying programs. I realized, even when I was a kid, how harmful and hate-filled the message was: I knew the words were meant to bring down another person in order to feel better about myself, though that feeling was fleeting at best. Language shapes our perception of others as “lesser than” human beings, “second-class citizens,” not worthy to be our friends.
Read on: http://www.parentsociety.com/parenting/the-bullies-are-back/

Baptism and LGBTQ People

From my blog entry on www.parentsociety.com:

There are rituals in faith communities that stand out, because of their power to claim us, mark us, and let the world know who and whose we are. It may be a ritual as simple as standing up and singing a national anthem at a minor-league baseball game, hand over heart, realizing we’re collectively citizens of the United States of America. At graduation or a high school athletic event we sing the theme song of our alma mater, with the school mascot leading us in the singing of the song. Or it is a public official taking an oath of office, swearing to protect and defend whatever state or country that they are representing. In a community of faith, rituals define us, enabling participants to know who the community’s members worship or venerate, and reminding us of the borders and boundaries of our beliefs.
As a Presbyterian minister (Presbyterian Church USA), I believe that one of the rituals that first defines us and what we believe is baptism. It is a rite of initiation, a tangible or physical, visible sign of what some theologians call “grace,” that has already been given to the believer, whether the believer is a child or an adult. Along with the pouring of water upon the brow of a child or adult, or the total immersion of a person in a pool of water, there are words uttered that remind the one being baptized who and whose they are. This is preceded or followed by words of the community of faith, in which a community vows to take care of and accept the one being baptized as a vital member of the beloved community.
The power of this ritual was not lost on me recently during a young infant’s baptism. The young boy had no idea of what was being said to him or his parents and grandparents. The minister made the sign of the cross upon his brow with a wet hand while uttering the words, “in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and the Holy Spirit.” The words the young minister spoke were equally powerful, about this infant being protected by the congregation, about how he would be raised in the faith of the congregation, and always be accepted as a member of the body of Christ through his dying days. The unconditional love being shared with this infant was breathtaking in its all-around inclusiveness. Nothing could separate this child from the love of God as demonstrated by this and other communities of faith. Nothing.


Read more on: http://www.parentsociety.com/todays-family/same-sex-parents/in-some-churches-baptism-promises-gods-love-as-long-as-youre-not-gay/

Are Dads Necessary?

Anthropologist Margaret Mead famously observed that the mother’s role in a family is biologically based, while the father’s role is a biological necessity. Afterward, our role is a social creation at best, and a social accident at worst. While the father serves a vital role in terms of conception, from that point forward the father is, well, regulated to the sidelines of raising a child. Some people in religious communities and of certain political persuasions would like to define the contemporary nuclear family as a mom and dad and child (or two), but historians and cultural anthropologists disagree.
In some ways, I can appreciate and relate to Mead’s dry observation and straightforwardness. Many dads in contemporary modern society witness the way that young infants and toddlers respond to the voice and the mere presence of the biological mom. Those of us who were or are stay-at-home dads are green with envy for such a natural bond. The bond between my children and me was not born of nature per se, but constructed through intentionally spending more time and creating more experiences together. Given that I was a more stay-at-home dad in my children’s early years (the luxury of having a flexible schedule while working in higher education), our parent-child relationship was a bit more unique and stronger than others. But I didn’t have a lot of other stay-at-home narratives that gave me examples of ways I could be a dad who stayed at home. As for stories of being a dad who is gay and in the closet while staying at home, those tales were yet to be written. Those stories fit into a book of “fairy tales,” (tongue firmly in cheek), that would begin with the introduction of “Once upon a time…”
Read more on: http://www.parentsociety.com/todays-family/same-sex-parents/are-dads-necessary/

Scouts and LGBTQ Families

From my blog posting on www.parentsociety.com:
During my young childhood, the group that had my nearly undivided attention (besides church) was my Cub Scout troop, hosted by the United Methodist Church we attended.
I happily donned my royal blue uniform, with all its cloth badges and appliqués, and yellow kerchief. But the Cub Scouts was not just a solo experience: it was a family affair. My Mom was a dutiful Pack Mom, hosting our pack when it was her turn to provide activities, freshly baked cookies, and milk. My Mom and Dad proudly watched our Cub Scout pack march in neighborhood parades, and supported our civic projects. My Dad took an active interest in helping me with my balsa-wood airplanes and race cars, and was delighted to lead our group of Webelos in my last year of Cub Scouts.
We learned to tie knots, and picked up other skills that we would find helpful on camping trips. While I was smitten with the world of Scouts early on, when I was thirteen years old I chose to become a Civil Air Patrol cadet instead of a Boy Scout because of my love of flying.
Much has changed since I left the Cub Scouts and became a parent. As a parent, I would have enjoyed participating with my daughter if she were to have become a Girl Scout, and with my son were he to have chosen to become a Boy Scout. While the Girl Scouts are open and accepting of young Scouts who are lesbian and their lesbian moms, the Boy Scouts’ story has been a different one. In 2000, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the Boy Scouts of America could bar any activity by gay Scouts or LGBTQ parents because the Scouts are a private organization. On July 17, 2012, after a secretive two-year review of their policy toward gay Scouts and LGBTQ parents, the Boy Scouts reaffirmed its policy to exclude gays from joining or being leaders.
Read more on: http://www.parentsociety.com/todays-family/same-sex-parents/the-scouts-and-same-sex-parents/

The Politics of Food/Parent Society

During my early career as a music therapist, my social consciousness was shaped by discussions about Nestle food products in less economically developed countries in the 1970s. Nestle makes many things children love to eat, especially chocolate, baby foods, cereal, and cookies.
The problem for many of us was Nestle’s encouraging families to wean infants from breastfeeding to infant formula made by Nestle. We know that breast milk has great nutritional value for young infants. The Nestle formula had to be mixed with water — which may be contaminated in some poorer countries — and required fuel to boil the water for the formula itself and sterilization of bottles. In response to Nestle’s infant formula campaign, many socially aware people around the world boycotted all Nestle products, including chocolate milk, in hopes that Nestle would change its ways. That boycott continues to this very day.
Food and politics remain part and parcel of modern family life around the world. We buy food at the farmer’s market, neighborly country store, health food store, or supermarket. The owners of these establishments earn a profit from our purchases, reinvesting that money in their business and community. Sometimes the owner contributes to a social or political cause dear to the heart of the owner. There are those owners who also understand that supporting a candidate or cause is a politically savvy move.
Read more on: http://www.parentsociety.com/todays-family/same-sex-parents/the-politics-of-food-and-family/

Fathers' Day

My first blog with parentsociety.com on LGBTQIA parenting.  Engjoy!

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Fathers’ Day

Brett Webb-Mitchell

            Twenty-four years ago, my family status went from “married, no children,” to “married, with one child.” My daughter’s birth in a hospital in London, England was a gift to her mom and I. We celebrated her birth with enthusiasm, complete with flowers, balloons, and Guinness Stout (it was England, after all). My daughter’s birth was my inauguration into the lesser-celebrated holiday of “Fathers’ Day.”  As best as I can figure it out, husbands and fathers who were envious of Mothers’ Day created Fathers’ Day at the turn of the last century.  Call it father’s envy.

            I remember holding my sweet daughter close to my body, her small arms and legs moving slightly because she was wrapped tightly in large, warmed blankets.  Deep inside me I knew that her life was going to be nothing like my life, and I almost wanted to apologize to her then and there.  I wistfully told her to be ready for the ride of her life. While straight white parents in a middle-class suburb of Portland, Oregon, raised me, my daughter would have a life that was radically different than mine. It all has to do with who I am: at the time of her birth, I lived two lives: one life was as a husband, father, Presbyterian pastor, doctoral student and rising scholar who was trying to live out his parents dreams for his success. The other life was one in the closet as a gay man who lived a life filled with apprehension and an overwhelming sense of self-doubt.

Read more on://www.parentsociety.com/uncategorized/fathers-day/